16 May 2010

Air of Inevitability

My life has been an eventful one in that it has deviated from what I believed was possible when I was growing up.

I first dreamt of the five Cs: Condo, Cash, Credit Card, Country-Club Membership and Car, and I have achieved them to some extent. It has come at a price in that my family life has been affected, not so much by my mindless pursuit of the said 5cs; but by the fact that my marriage to my spouse has broken down irrevocably and it is leading to a separation of myself from my spouse and daughter.

I cried when it almost broke-up due to the stresses of a new-born baby; when my daughter was but a few months old. Over time as she was growing up, the stresses due to unresolved personality differences between my spouse and I as well as the occasional bitter shouting matches that left my daughter crying, wondering what was happening to the world.

I am at fault for not being able to sufficiently control my temper and outbursts at my spouse's provocations. She on the other hand, treated me as the enemy, and basically tolerated staying with me because she needed what I could provide materially to my daughter as well as helping out on weekends. I've spent virtually all my weekends at home helping out with my daughter the two years she was growing up.

I had realised that our separation was inevitable because many times when we fought, it came out in many ways, i.e., she revealed that she was only putting up with me for the sake of our daughter who was very young then at a few months old. Separation and divorce were always on her lips whenever she wanted to get away from me. Now she is an active toddler, I am no longer tolerated because my spouse feels she can take care of my daughter and bring her up away from me and my mother's influence.

To be fair to me, I have never laid a hand on my spouse. Yes, I had blown my top in the past and screamed at her in front of my daughter. I am not proud of that behaviour. Some of those instances were due to extreme provocation of my spouse who criticised me for every small mistake I made, hurting me from a thousand verbal cuts.

I am partly to blame, and I cry when I told my daughter not to forget daddy no matter what happened. Daddy will always love her to my dying days and daddy hopes that she will forgive me for not enduring the unendurable for her sake. I had wanted to stick it out until she was 20 or so, but realise I can only make it to 2 years.

I am thankful that I spend two close years with my daughter, seeing her grow from an infant to a toddler she is now; inquisitive and full of curiosity about life. I feel blessed to have had been an active father and will continue to visit her weekly and to do what I can even when the time comes for us to live separately. My heart breaks even as I am writing this because my life has taken on a new meaning when my daughter was born. Now as she is growing up, I will regret not being there daily to see the little details of her life and she experiences childhood, being a teenager and finally adulthood.

I pray to God to forgive me for not trying hard enough to endure for the sake of my daughter. I pray that He will watch over my beloved daughter till she grows up to be a healthy and happy adult. I also pray that my soon-to-be ex-spouse find a little in the way of forgiveness and not poision my daughter against me. I tried to be a good father and have failed to be the husband she wanted me to be.

No matter what happens, I must find the will to live on because my daughter still depends on me even when she will be apart in days to come.

09 May 2009

Infinity Video

Check out this video by Citizen for its Eco-Drive series of watches. It doesn't look nor feel like a video. Awesome Japanese sights and sounds!

Found this while surfing Danny Choo's website. He found it while surfing another chap's website. :)

26 April 2009

Q10 Full Screen Text Editor

I continue to experiment with various types of technologies related to personal effectiveness and managed to stumble upon this simple text editor called Q10.

It's a bare-bones, no-frills full screen text editor that allows you to concentrate on generating content through a black screen that fills the entire monitor. It has features such as character count as well number of pages. This is customisable as you can set how many words go into 1 page.
What I like about Q10 is its simplicity. You can install it very quickly and it runs out of a thumb-drive even.

As someone who writes almost a post a day, it comes in quite helpful in allowing me to type quickly and efficiently and to see what I've typed all in one page.
Consider trying out Q10 as your text editor of choice if you are considering a simple, no-frills but effective tool to raise your writing productivity. :-)